Creative Writing from
Fairleigh Dickinson University

First Light

Jon Avella

The break. What break? You're fuckin kiddin me, right, I mean it's the first fuckin night of class and you're talkin break? I can't handle that. Two halves equals three hours. First fuckin class, lady, give me a break. You're stealin my time Mrs., uh, Mrs. Dalloway. As you talk about needless facts beers are bein cracked and tossed around the room! My brain needs a chemical distraction from this repetitive babble that's being spit at me. My head seems to be expanding to the very brink of explosion
         “I think we'll take our break now,” she says breaking me out of my daze. “See you all in say, three minutes.”
        I grab my shit and break for the door. I walk with a purpose cause I'm dying for a cigarette. As I skip down the stairs to the door my friend Scott catches up to me. “Three fuckin minutes! That's bullshit, Banty. I mean isn't that bullshit. I mean I can't even smoke a cigarette in three minutes without having a heart attack you know Banty?”
        “Yeah well I won't be around long enough to find out.”
        “You're leaving. It's the first class after break Banty.”
        “Later, Scott,” I say as I speed up my pace and lose him. Mrs. Dalloway's voice is still ringing through my head and Scott is just making it worse. I lunge for the door as I cling to my backpack. As I step outside the night air hits me like a cold shower and snaps me back into focus. I spark up a cigarette as I hop down the cement stairs leading down from the building. I make my way for my dorm room along a narrow gravel path that is swarming with students. I stare down at the ground as I walk and make every effort to avoid contact with others. My hand begins to shake, but not from the cold air. I needed a drink and a bump to steady myself. I suck deeply from my cigarette and can taste the filter. I flick it off to the side as I approach my building. The smell of piss and beer welcomes me as I walk in through the propped door. First fuckin night and it already smells like home.
        After scaling two flights of stairs I fumble my keys to the floor in a half-assed attempt to open my door. I collect my self and my keys and walk into my room. Darkness! Darkness and silence means no roommate. I flip the overhead light on and toss my bag onto the bed. My stuff from home is packed and sitting on the floor. I grab a beer from the twelve pack sitting on my dresser. Good old beast ice. Beast double diesel I call it. Not just beast double diesel, but warm beast double diesel. I bought it before class and both me and my roommate neglected to bring a fridge up with us. I wince in disgust as the warm liquid crawls slowly down my throat like cough syrup.
        I flip on the stereo and Kurt Cobain's raspy voice fills my room. I grab my phone and dial up Jesse's number. It rings about five times before the machine picks up and plays his goofy message, “Hey whatsup! This is Jesse. You know what to do.”
        “Yo whatup. Nice fuckin message. It's Banty. It's seven o'clock. Where the fuck are you I'm tryin to party. Hit me back.”
        Jesse was supposed to be my roommate this semester. That was our plan at least. We requested a room together in the Macintosh building. The Mac dorms are the nice rooms. They're clean, well lighted and heated. There's also piss-free hallways there. Residence Life, the fuckers in charge of housing lost our paperwork, though. Jesse ended up in the Mac at the last minute and was actually placed with our other buddy, Anthony. Some luck, huh. Yeah right, that fuckin lucky prick. I got stuck in the village. That's what we call the group of buildings across the parking lot from the Mac.
        The roommate I got placed with is named Luis. He's four years older than me, so he's ancient. Last semester he might have been of service to me but I turned twenty-one over break. He seems like a nice guy, I guess. Luis is a pre-med student with hopes and dreams for a bright future. His schedule goes as follows; class, homework, sleep. Great fuckin time, huh? Yeah fuckin right. First night back and he's already at the library. That of course is partly my doing I believe. When I walked in the room and cracked a beer before class he cringed as he looked up from his mammoth chemistry book. Five minutes later when I busted a line he left in disgust. I faintly heard him mention the library on his way out, but at that point all I understood were clouds.

        I pick up the phone again. I gag a bit as I open another beer. Once again his stupid ass message comes on. What a fuckin tool he is I think to myself as I spark another cigarette. My eyes study the wall which seems to be some form of orange, I guess. Colors have never been my strong point. The dullness of the barren wall begins to consume my brain. I chug my beer to fight off the feeling of nothingness. My boredom has nearly reached its breaking point, and it's only the first fuckin night.
        “About a Girl” comes on and my mind seems to awake from its daze. The song hits a nerve in my soul everytime the lyrics dance through my head. On this occasion as has been the case since the beginning of Christmas break, the song leaves me empty and feeling alone. About a girl? Isn't everything about them? My problems are all female inflicted. There is not a bottle deep enough to drown my heartbreak. Especially the latest one, Hannah, that beautiful bitch.
        Now, when I call her a beautiful bitch, I really do mean both words. Her beauty was what originally drew me to her, but the person she is killed it all. I remember the first time I saw her I needed three Newport's just to right my body temperature. Somehow she became mine.
        A perfect world this is not, though, happiness is fleeting. Hannah seemed so sweet to me. I never imagined that she'd hurt me. Mainly because she always said she wouldn't. Everything was fine for the first three months, and then something in her changed. She became distant all of a sudden. Every loving gesture seemed to pain her in some way. I was at a loss, but was determined to make it work. Smart fuckin plan, huh? Not in Hannah's mind, though. She made her move. There was no padding, no bullshit, just straight rejection.
        It was in her room at home when she told me. She sat me down and began to tear up. Even then, with all my doubts I never thought it would really happen. Hannah went right into it though. She was scared we were rushing. She wasn't ready for such a relationship. I stood up and paced the room cursing her and everything around me. I'd like to say I was tough and stone cold, so I will. I walked out of the house without a goodbye and I haven't seen her since. It's amazing how separation can cause such change. I heard it took her a week to find my replacement.
        Now I'm back at this fine establishment of higher education. I guzzle the rest of my beer and crush it in my hand. I grab another one and immediately begin to chug it. The warmth no longer bothers me. The liquor isn't cutting it anymore, though. I'm in need of a stronger distraction from my life. I fish in my jean pocket and can hear the cellophane bag crinkling just below my reach. I dig a little bit deeper and finally get it. I toss the bag on my desk and hunch over it. The rock seems to shine in my hand as I admire its texture. Satisfied with the moment I get right into it. I get out my trusty blade and crush it up, line it up, give it a good snort and feel the good burn.
        My head snaps back with the force of a car accident. My mind goes briefly blank. I grab my beer and drink it. As the alcohol shoots down my throat I lower my head again. My throat dries up so I try to swallow some spit. It's a slow process as the spit clings to the roof of my mouth and merely drips gently down my throat. I slug back the rest of my beer along with the saliva. I spark a cigarette and it brings heaven to my home.
        It tastes almost as good as Hannah. Fuck Hannah! She's not my problem anymore. She's just another girl in my past. The time has come for me to move on. It's time for me to prowl the night. Enough sappy, depressing, Hannah shit. I'm ready to enjoy myself. I sit down and break out my rock. Boredom and anger have driven me to this. I line it up and down it. Good! Good, Good, Good! Now I'm ready to party. I grab a beer and chug it. To my pleasant surprise the phone rings just as I swallow my last sip.
        
        “Hello,” I say.
        “Yo, grundle, whatup,” said Jesse.
        “Shit chillin, waitin for your dumb ass to call me. Where the fuck have you been?”
        “Around. Doin bullshit. Teresa had me runnin mad errands for her.”
        “Whipped still I see. Alright, well I'm coming over.”
        “Cool, later.”
        “Later,” I respond and hang up the phone.
        It's about time I think to myself as I suck down the end of my cigarette. I spray some cologne on myself and shut off my stereo. I stand in front of the mirror and take a long look at myself. I got blue pumas on with a khaki stripe. My jeans are too long for my legs and drag beneath my sneakers. I have a faded black Scarface shirt on. It's a picture of Tony Montana sitting behind a mountain of coke. It makes me twitch everytime I think about it. I throw on a grey Timberland fleece and am ready to roll. Before I hit the road I kill the rest of my beer. On my way out the door I grab what's left of my twelve pack and steal out the door. While locking my door behind me I do a quick check of myself to make sure I have everything I need for a night out. Cigarettes, check, wallet, check, beer, check, sack… “Oh fuck,” I say out loud, but to myself, “I left my fuckin sack.”
        My rock is sitting right where I left, so I grab it and run back out. I sprint down the stairs and am outside in no time. Rain greets me as my feet hit the gravel path leading from the front of my building all the way to the backside. It curves off to the left, but I keep straight through the wet grass. With each step I take my foot sinks into the ground with a squishing noise. I gaze up towards the sky and the refreshing rain slaps my forehead repeatedly. At the bottom of the hill I leap over a giant brown puddle, but don't clear it. My heel just lands in the water and I feel as my sock soaks instantly.
        The wind picks up as I step off the grass onto the cement parking lot and makes my baldhead yearn for a winter hat. I rub my hand over it and wipe off the beads of rain that are resting upon it. Cars fly by me, but I pay them little attention. In front of me there is a group of guys jogging through the storm. I notice that the side door to the MAC is propped open at the same time that they do. They break into a sprint once they notice it. I pick up my pace without running in an attempt to sneak in behind them. They open the door and I yell, “Hold it!” The last one in the door glances back at me and shuts the door behind him. My hand falls on the doorknob just as it shuts and locks. “Fuckin grundlemonkeys,” I yell to no one in particular.
        The rain picks up as I get closer to the front door. A flash of lightning fills up the sky as I step inside. Water drips from my eyebrows and dangles from my goatee. I shake my head like a dog would and water flies everywhere. I dial Jesse's number on the intercom and wait for his response.
        “Yo,” he says.
        “I'm out front. Come let me in.”
        “Aw man. You can't get in on your own?”
        “Naw the side door's closed.”
        “Alright. I'll be right down.”
        “Hurry up!” I say, but all I hear is the dial tone. I look outside and notice that the rain has slowed to a drizzle. Another flash of lighting is followed by the rumbling sound of distant thunder. I turn my back on the night and peer through the locked door in front of me. The door is all glass and I catch a glimpse of someone walking through the lobby. I knock on the glass and accidentally scare the girl, but she comes over to let me in anyway. She greets me with a warm smile that makes me forget about my wet socks. I didn't recognize her but she seemed to know me. Her blond hair is up in a ponytail and she seems to have a glow about her.
        “Thankyou,” I say.
        “Sure,” she says back to me with a sexy grin.
        I stand in the doorway for a couple of seconds before I realize what a freak I'm being, just standing there staring at her. Composure finally falls over me as I walk inside the doors. Our eyes lock for a brief moment of time before she continues on her way. My way is the opposite direction, but as I walk I give her a quick glance. I fancy that I've just missed her doing the same, and enjoy her every movement. Sometimes I could just kick myself for being such a shy asshole. Even with Hannah it took me two months to grow a sack and make a move. Then it hits me. I have class with that beauty. Not an hour ago and I didn't even remember. I turn back around quickly but all that's left of her is a closed door.
        I shake off my stupidity and hang a right towards the stairwell. After sprinting up the first level I take a pause and crack another beer. Chugging the alcohol gives me newfound strength and I devour the last two flights like a great white striking a sea lion. I bust through the door and make my way down the hallway. The lights are bright and intact, a change from the village. I kill the rest of my new beer as I push open Jesse's door at the end of the hall.
        The common room is clean much to my surprise. The state of filth that it had been left in was burned into my memory. Perhaps this was because I had helped make it or maybe it had just smelled that foul. The radio in Jesse's room sails smoothly into my ears. It sounds like the Roots and a smile immediately conquers my face.
        The smile walks away from me as soon as I enter Jesse's room. It's empty of everything but Hannah. She's sitting down on the couch, by herself, smoking a cigarette with a sexy smile. Her eyes meet mine and all of a sudden everything goes silent. I can't tell if I've returned her smile or not because my body has gone numb upon seeing her. Hannah gives out a sultry giggle and breaks through the silence like an ax. She jumps up and gives me a warm hug along with a kiss on the cheek.
        She sits back down and motions for me to do the same. Right when my ass hits the couch my eyes hit the floor. Like some magnet is pulling them they move from the floor to her legs. Tight, black slacks squeeze her legs. Unconsciously my gaze travels up her body and soaks in her white blouse. Her tits look like two caged beasts fighting to escape. So much for me seeing the bitch.
        “So where's Jesse at,” I ask.
        “Actually, he just went downstairs to let you in,” she says.
        “I must've just missed him.”
        She still had a smile, but I could tell it was forced. For that one second of initial contact, she had been happy to see me. That joy had faded into an uncomfortable silence that now filled the room. I could think of seventy-four places I would rather be, but I had to break the awkward spell. I knew that's what she was waiting for.
        “So, how've you been?”
        “Alright. And you?”
        “You know just hangin in there.”
        This conversation is going nowhere, I can tell that right away. I search my brain for something to say, but come up blank. My nerves begin to shake as I try to avoid eye contact with her. I spark a cigarette to try to calm myself down. Then it hits me, I don't need nicotine, I need a bump. A smile breaks out over my face instantly. I glance over at Hannah casually just to steal a peek. I ponder whether or not I should include her. I know she does it. I can go to the bathroom, rip one real quick and no one would ever know. I feel my smile widen as I make my final decision.
        “What are you thinking about,” asks Hannah.
        Her words are a bit of a shock to me, but I catch on quickly. “Uh, nothing,” I mumble out. “Just thinkin.”
        “Yeah right Banty. I know you better than that. What are you up to.”
        Unbelievable! Damn this woman and her fuckin intuition.
        “Naw, really, I was just in a daze.”
        “Can I get one?” she asks with a wink and a giggle.
        Caught like a bear in a trap I pull out my sack and fake a smile. Hannah sips her drink and sits forward on the couch. I break it out into two neat lines.
        “Make mine…”
        “I know,” I say cutting her off in mid sentence.
        She gets up and kneels on the floor next to me. The smell of her hair is sweet and familiar. I roll up a dollar and hand it to her. She leans over the table and slowly snorts up the smaller of the two lines. In reality it wasn't even a line. As she is leaning over I notice her black lace thong sticking out from her tight white pants. Down boy I say to myself as I feel a different type of itch. She downs the line and then jumps right up.
        “It's been a long time,” she says
        “Yeah, I can tell.”
        She walks back over to the couch and sits down again. This time she slumps backwards into her seat rubbing her hands briskly along her thighs. I watch her, intrigued by her beauty for a moment before getting down myself. I shove the rolled dollar up my right nostril and inhale my brain away. As soon as it enters my system I shake my head frantically. I press my right nostril in and snort hard scraping the remaining powder from my nose.
        “Apparently it hasn't been for you,” she says.
        I look up at her through a cloud of confusion. I spark a cigarette and take a drink of my beer. It takes me a couple of seconds before I can say what I'm thinking.
        “Hasn't been what?” I ask.
        “A long time for you?”
        “Only when I'm drunk.”
        “That's a good policy if you stick to it.”
        “It works for me.”
        “So why haven't you called me.”
        Great! That path to reality has just set in. A place where even drugs can't help you. That place I had hoped to avoid all night. Here I was at the gateway. I can either get up and leave and forget all that has transpired, or be a man and enter into a meaningful conversation. Tough call, eh?
        “Called you? I could ask you the same thing, couldn't I?” I say as I finish my beer pleased with my ability to flip things around on her. She sits forward obviously flustered and lights a cigarette. The smoke from her first drags flows freely through the air directly into my face burning my eyes.
        “I have a lot to say to you,” she says.
        “Is that so?”
        “Yes it is. I don't want to lose you as a friend, Banty. I care for you so much. Life's not the same without you.”
        “Could've fooled me.”
        “Do I make you uncomfortable, Banty?”
        “No,” I say quickly as if the speed of my reply could mask my true feelings. Really, she has made me uncomfortable to the point of insanity. Friends she said. Like I need more fuckin friends. “What gives you that idea?”
        “Well you've been chain smoking and you keep squirming around in your seat.”
        “No I don't,” I say with a forced chuckle. I spark a cigarette and cross my legs. “Really, I feel perfectly comfortable around you. I swear.”
        “I sure hope so. Because I want to be able to hang out with you, you know, like normal.”
        “Me too.” So I lied. I'm a guy. We're supposed to. The truth is I didn't want to see her at all. The nerve of her to be so calm. To act as if everything is alright while I'm sitting here hanging on the edge of her every word and movement. It made me want to tell her what kind of misery she had put me through. But, I didn't. I couldn't.
        “Good. I had my doubts about coming here but Jesse assured me you were okay. I'm so glad he was right.”
        “Oh good. How nice of him to say that to you,” is what I say. What a fucking idiot he is what I'm thinking. Friends, like I need any more friends. Silence followed our interaction and that's when the drugs began to kick in. I got up and went into the bathroom yet I had no urge to piss. I looked at myself in the mirror and could feel my heart's every beat. There are bags under my bloodshot eyes. I wiped some excess coke from the end of my nose and rubbed it on the inside of my gums. I felt them and my lips numb up as I turned on the faucet. I splashed some cold water on my face and shook my head wildly. Over the soft murmur of the water I hear Jesse's voice fill the room. He is talking of some party that is going on and how we should go.
        “Time to be social,” I say to myself as I shut the water off. I spark up a cigarette and walk out.
        “Whatup mutherfucka,” Jesse says in his own poetic way. “You alright? You look kinda shaky.”
        “Yeah, I'm cool. Fuck have you been?”
        “I went to go let your dumb ass in, and then you know me. Talking to people, something you would know nothing about.” As he says this I faintly hear Hannah giggle. Shit, I almost forgot she was there.
        “Whatever man. I'm a social butterfly,” I say with a crooked smile.
        “More like a social slug you non-talkin bitch. Come on, have a seat. We're gonna burn one down real quick.”
        Jesse sits next to Hannah on the couch and pulls out a giant blunt. He holds it in front of Hannah's face and waves it around. Obviously his drinking began a while ago. I could tell from the look in his eyes. It was that of a man who knows not of anything but himself. He tosses the giant log to me as I take my seat across from them. I admire it. Jesse had always been an artist with a blunt. It was perfect. No wrinkles, rips or wholes and I'm sure there will be no runs.
        “Fuckin perfect, eh?” He says.
        “As always. Still not as good as mine my young apprentice,” I say as I toss it back to him.
        The blunt lands right in his hand and he admires it for a second before lighting it. After a couple of puffs he passes it to Hannah. When it finally get to me I hit it with fury. The coke has turned me into a chimney as I puff away. I feel it slowly filter into my brain and without noticing I begin to lean back in my chair. My whole outlook on the situation is flipped as I pass the blunt back to Jesse. I hold my last hit in till I can't anymore, exhale, and then everything gets hazy.

        The next hour or so I spent giggling like some fool who doesn't get the joke but still laughs mindlessly. Hannah and Jesse did the same. We drank some beer, played a few cards and chain-smoked cigarettes. Everything was quiet and good.
        
        Before I even knew it I found myself back in the village crammed into some sort of fraternity party. As I searched the room with my eyes I figured out that I knew no one. I think I came with only Jesse and Hannah, but something deep inside me says there were others. However at this moment they are no where to be found. My head is filled with the loud sound of pop music. The catchy chorus and predictable lyrics are causing people to go nuts. Perhaps the alcohol has something to do with it. There is plenty of it. I should know since I'm standing right next to the keg. In my blurry voyage to this room I managed to position myself in hand's reach of the tap. Unfortunately the alcohol is no longer working. My brain is sweating as another drunken body slams into me. I can't handle all these people jumping up and down like it were New Years. My eyes burn with all the smoke that hangs in the air. I need some space. I need to calm down. I need a pick me up.
        After filling my cup back up I make my way towards the bathroom. Determination takes over my body, but the road is a long one. I must break through a wall of college students hopped up on Nelly to reach my destination. Elbows are now my best friends. They open paths in situations like this. Halfway there and I'm rolling. The song is ending and the room's energy is dimming. I make one last wild swoop and stumble into the bathroom. I see a shower with the curtain open. Inside is a keg, empty I presume, sitting on top of a table. I bust a left and go into the stall to the right. After shutting the door I size up my options. The seat of the toilet is down and covered in piss. Behind it on the tank are various titty magazines. I flip through one quickly before remembering what I was there for. On the left of me on the wall is a big toilet paper dispenser. Just big enough, I think as I pull out my sack. I dump a small bit on the dispenser as the person in the stall next to me rips a hellish fart. I wince in anticipation of the aftermath and roll up a dollar bill. A new person enters the stall next to me. It is a girl. I see her pants hit the floor and realize that I know that thong. It's Hannah. Funny world isn't it. Without producing a bit of sound I rip up the line in no time. Just as she's flushing I'm out the door looking into the mirror. I go to leave in hopes of avoiding contact, but get caught.
        “Banty,” she yells in order to be heard over the music. She walks up to the sink and begins washing her hands. I sip my beer and try to determine what my next move will be. I had a vision of dunking her head in the sink and turning the cold water on all the way, you know just to fuck with her. I laughed to myself as the picture formed in my brain. I couldn't help letting out a little chuckle.
        “What's so funny, Banty?”
        Unbelievable! Music blasting and people yelling and she hears me chuckle under my breath.
        “Uh nothing, just thinking about something else. You having a good time?”
        “What?”
        “I said are you having a …”
        “Oh yeah, I guess. I mean I don't really know anyone here.”
        “I know the feeling,” I said as I sipped my beer. I walked out in to the party hoping to find a quiet corner where I could enjoy my heightened mental state. After surveying my beer I made my way for one of the bedrooms to try and collect my thoughts. Maybe locate Jesse and the rest of the crew and have a couple laughs. Mainly I wanted to lose Hannah. She obviously wanted a baby sitter and I was in no mood for that.
        After a few more elbow swims I was in a dark room. Streams of green and red light bulbs hang from the ceiling. There are two beds each on opposite sides of the room. On the one closest to me three drunk guys are sitting talking about cars. The far one is unoccupied so I make for it. I pass through a group of three fat girls who cover their faces and giggle as I walk by. Before I even take my seat I hear Hannah's voice from behind me.
        “Wait up Banty,” she says as she sits down on the bed and pulls out a cigarette. She fishes through her purse for a while before looking up at me wide-eyed. As I sit down next to her I pull out my lighter and hand it to her.
        “We need to talk,” she says as a cloud of smoke flows off her lips.
        “Do we?”
        “Really, Banty, please. Let's go somewhere.”
        It was at this point that I realized she didn't want to talk. She wanted me. Which is completely understandable. I sipped my beer and wondered whether or not this was a good idea. Something far away in the back of my mind told me that going with Hannah would be a mistake. That sure, it would feel good, especially now, but when it was over pain would follow. However, like I said it was a far away place.
        “What about your boyfriend?” I asked.
        “What boyfriend?” she asked with a wicked smile on her face. “Where is your room?”
        “Let's go.”
        I pushed my way through the crowd one last time with Hannah's hand in mine. The drugs had taken over. I was a man possessed as I cleared the crowd. We were out in the hallway in no time. The floor was covered with broken glass from discarded beer bottles. My every step made a crunch as we walked down the stairs. The rain hit us like a cartoon anvil right when we got outside. I felt Hannah's arm around me now. I looked at her and she smiled. I stopped walking and grabbed her shoulders pulling her into me. I paused an inch from her lips. I felt something stop me from kissing her. It was something that was far away from where I was. I shook it off along with a few raindrops and kissed Hannah deeply. Our tongues danced a long forgotten number. I felt like I was spinning. Was her touch that powerful. Most likely not, it was probably the drugs. I pulled away anxious to get her out of her wet clothes.
        We were two buildings over from mine, which was a quick walk. When it came into view I suddenly remembered that I had a roommate. Eventhough I have no idea what his name is, I know he exists. Is the library open all night I ask myself. The light in my window is out. That's good, I think. I mean he wouldn't be in there with the light out, would he? Only someone strange like myself would do that. No, he's not there, either that, or he's asleep. I glance at my wrist to check the time when I realize I don't own a watch. Fuck it, there's only one way to know for sure.
        “Is this it?” she asks. Her voice wakes me up as if from a dream.
        “Yeah, right here.” I take her arm and open the door for her. She stands waiting for me shaking the rain from her hair. I walk by her, but she stops me and grabs me. We kiss again, but this time for much longer. She pulls me into the room directly to the right of the front door, the laundry room. She shuts the door as we enter. I turn her around and she hops up on the washer. She's rabid with passion and I'm not too far off. The rest of the world doesn't exist to us. We are alone together and it feels damn good.
        After the laundry room we somehow made it up to my bedroom. Luckily, whats his name hadn't been there. We went at it all night. It was dirty and loud and lovely. We were up till seven high on sex, drugs and alcohol. We watched the sunrise and then fucked one last time. She kissed me goodbye as she walked out the door.
        “I'll call you tomorrow,” she said as the door shut behind her.
        I got up still naked and stared out the window. I lit a cigarette and cracked my last beer. The rain hadn't stopped, it had actually grown stronger. I rubbed my head as I took a pull from my smoke. I watched Hannah as she walked out the building and headed for the parking lot. Again something far away spoke to me, but exhaustion had already put its grip on me. I put out my cigarette half smoked and closed the blinds before hopping into bed. Then, I was out, finally.

        t wasn't until Thursday I woke up completely. Wednesday was not a day at all, just a night by the time I crawled out of bed. My head pounded painfully like it had been used as a punching bag the night before. It's a miracle that I made it through the night alive. I held up in Jesse's suite like it was some sort of shelter. I think it was the pot we smoked. It truly was a godsend. It wasn't till I got back later that night that I saw the note. It was from my roommate. “Banty, I have decided that this living arrangement is not going to work. We are two totally different people who's priorities are opposite. You are interested with destroying your brain and body, while I look to better my own. No offense, but I'm moving out. I hope you find what it is you are looking for.” It was signed Luis. That was his name I had thought to myself.
        I woke up Thursday just in time for my class. By just in time I mean I was only ten minutes late. Mrs. fucking Dalloway again. My future in her class became less certain with each word she spoke. I made an effort though to pay some sort of attention to what was going on in the slight chance that the girl from the hallway would be called by name so I would have a foot in the door.
        It was five minutes in when I realized that my headache was not all that had irked me the morning before. I had woken up feeling dirty in some strange way. It was as if I had committed a horrific act in my heightened state of inebriation that was now making me feel guilty. It could have just been a wicked hangover that worked in evil ways, but something deep inside me told me it wasn't. There was a greater cause for this sickly feeling that swept over me like a shadow on a summer evening.
        Besides that Hannah hadn't called. Probably busy I told myself. Just didn't have the time to drop a line. I know how things can be sometimes. Life isn't a still existence. Things move and phone calls are missed. I can handle it. I just have to fight off that voice in my head that says she's fucking everything in town, including Mrs. Dalloway. So I block those thoughts with plans for this fine Thursday evening that is almost upon us. Yet another night for me to get crazy and forget all that reality has in store for me. I shoot a glance around the room to try and figure out who may be feeling the same way I am, when I realize that the girl is speaking. Shit, I think. I missed it. Someone with a PHD once told me that I had ADD, and at times like these I wish I hadn't sold all my Ritalin. Whatever she is saying it sounds beautiful.
        “… and that's why I believe the peak of Kiliminjaro represents death.”
        “Thank you, miss, miss, uh Amber,” said Mrs. Dalloway.
        And it was done! My foot was in the door.
        “Okay class, I think we'll take a break on that note, so we can all think about what Miss Devine said. See you all in five minutes,” said Mrs. Dalloway.