General Guidelines

1. Do not instigate violence if the Minty-Fresh Export-Quality Aadi Velli Special Non-Cola Cola stall is closed.

2. Though it is a well-documented fact that Gentoo penguins like to steal bicycles, this must never be mentioned as it will tap into a large pool of communal guilt which will cause the penguins to commit a very elaborate form of mass suicide.

3. Avoid problems later. Invest in quality loudspeakers and other products to save time and money.

4. Be Indian. Buy Indian.

The Activist Method

1. Convince a group of Gentoo penguins that it is your birthday and you want to treat them to some Minty-Fresh Export-Quality Aadi Velli Special Non-Cola Cola to celebrate. Agree to meet them outside a centrally located Non-Cola Cola stall and insist on no gifts although you will accept charitable donations made in your name. Dress in loose-fitting cotton clothes and fill your pockets with dead sea horses. Carry a loudspeaker.

2. Smile benevolently when the assembled penguins sing "Happy Birthday" and present you with a bicycle lock as a gift. Accept both the song and the gift very graciously. Compliment the assembled penguins on their appearance and tell them that chilled bottles of Non-Cola Cola are shining and waiting for them like frosted unicorns.

3. The penguins will become mesmerized by the phrase "frosted unicorns" in three phases. First, they will think you are talking about a goods train that travels across Russia. Then they will think you are talking about that white horse in Lord of the Rings. Finally, they will realize you are talking about Non-Cola Cola bottles that shine like unicorns blinged out with frost. Once their eyes widen in wonder, turn on your loudspeaker and say "Who enslaved humans of color? Who invaded the Caribbean? Who murdered all the innocent children? You did! You! You!"

4. The Gentoo penguins will be confused and angry that you have accused them of slavery and invading the Caribbean. This will cause their eyes to flush and shudder as images of blinged out unicorns, the white horse from Lord of the Rings and a goods train slicing like a knife through Russia quickly flash before their eyes. Take advantage of this opportunity to hurl the dead sea horses at the penguins with great velocity. If possible, throw many handfuls of sea horses using a Windmills of Death motion. Simultaneously scream the words "anarchist," "blood rain," and "Pol Pot."

5. At this point, the Gentoo penguins will be gripped by rage and a growing horror that dead sea horses are falling from the sky. Use the loudspeaker to say "U-G-L-Y You Ain't Got No Alibi You Ugly Hey Hey You Ugly." Repeat the phrase "You Ugly" while sloppily thrusting your pelvis back and forth. The penguins will begin to scream, thus signaling the beginning of great violence.

The Mein Herr Method

1. Tell the Gentoo penguins that you are really sorry for the previous Violent Cola and Dead Sea Horses incident and you want to treat them to some Minty-Fresh Export-Quality Aadi Velli Special Non-Cola Cola to show how genuinely sorry you are. Say that you will bring the Non-Cola Cola to them because it's the least you can do. Dress in a casual state of mourning and carry dead sea horses in both pockets. Bring a loudspeaker.

2. Smile benevolently when the penguins assemble in silence and look at you under hooded eyes that are crisscrossed and starred with suspicion. Start to cry and say "I wish I hadn't done that stupid stupid Violent Cola and Dead Sea Horses Thing because it was just so stupid and it was just the stupidest thing ever and I am so stupid." It may be necessary to repeat this two to three times. At some point, the Gentoo penguins will assure you that you aren't stupid. Smile and compliment the assembled penguins on their appearance and tell them that chilled bottles of Non-Cola Cola are shining and waiting for them like frosted unicorns.

3. Once the penguins become mesmerized by the phrase "frosted unicorns," bring out the bottles one by one so that the cancerous slum sunlight ricochets off the iced bottles like crushed lightning. As soon as each penguin has a flipper outstretched in anticipation, smash every single bottle to the ground. Turn on your loudspeaker and say "Bye bye mein lieber Herr, auf wiedersehen, mein Herr, es war sehr gut, mein Herr, und vorbei, du kennst mich wohl, mein Herr, ach, lebe wohl, mein Herr, du sollst mich nie mehr sehen mein Herr." Then run away very quickly.

4. The Gentoo penguins will be confused and angry that you have not only broken the bottles and run away, but you may have also called them bad words in a foreign language.  Climb onto the balcony of a nearby building and shout "It's German, you stupid penguins. Don't you know German? Don't you know Liza Minnelli in Cabaret? Don't you know anything, you stupid penguins?” Begin hurling the dead sea horses at the penguins with great velocity. If possible, throw the sea horses like Ninja Stars of Death. Simultaneously scream the words "mentalist," "genetically modified eggplants," and "Manchurian Candidate."

5. At this point, the Gentoo penguins will be gripped by rage and a sense of deja vu that this same sequence of events has happened to them before. Use the loudspeaker to say "U-G-L-Y You Ain't Got No Alibi You Ugly Hey Hey You Ugly." Repeat the phrase "You Ugly" while holding a walrus in front of you and sloppily thrusting your pelvis back and forth. The penguins will begin to scream, thus signaling the beginning of great violence.

The Re-Activist Method

1. Tell the Gentoo penguins that you are really sorry for the previous two Violent Cola and Dead Sea Horses incidents and you want to treat them to some Minty-Fresh Export-Quality Aadi Velli Special Non-Cola Cola to show how genuinely sorry you are. Say that you will bring the Non-Cola Cola along with glossy magazines filled with lots of boobies. Wear a t-shirt that says "Gentoo Penguins Did Not Steal Your Bicycle Dumbass." Carry dead sea horses in a fanny pack. Bring a loudspeaker.

2. Bow your head with contrition when the penguins tell you to go fuck yourself and make an obscene gesture in a swift, choreographed motion. Start to cry. When the Gentoo penguins tell you to stop crying, cry louder. Climb onto a nearby roof and say "I wish I hadn't done that stupid stupid Violent Cola and Dead Sea Horses Thing because I already did it once and then I did it again and it was just so stupid and I am so stupid and now I am going to kill myself." Waver dangerously at the edge. The assembled penguins will form a Penguin Catchment Area beneath you and say you are not stupid and you should not jump because you are young and you should live. Smile and compliment the assembled penguins on their appearance and tell them that chilled bottles of Non-Cola Cola are shining and waiting for them like frosted unicorns.

3. As the penguins become mesmerized by the phrase "frosted unicorns," quickly break out the Non-Cola Cola and pour it into fancy glasses. Juggle a few bottles and flip ice cubes off your arm into the glasses. Ask the penguins in the front if they are having a good time and who's from farthest away. Then ask if they want to see something special but do not wait for an answer. Pour all the Non-Cola Cola into a bucket and say Ready? When they say Ready! throw the bucket and the Non-Cola Cola at the penguins. Turn on your loudspeaker and say "Promote ideology! Fascism! Promote individual interests! George Stephanopoulous! Imelda Marcos! Sugar! Beef! Bananas! Pork Bellies! Lumber! Coca-Cola! The information superhighway!"

4. The Gentoo penguins will be confused and angry that they have been molested and drenched with Non-Cola Cola and also because they will not know and will not like the names George Stephanopoulous and Imelda Marcos. Begin hurling dead sea horses at the penguins with great velocity. If possible, throw the sea horses in a Windmill Ninja Stars of Death motion. Simultaneously scream the words "xenophobia," "environmental terrorism," and "we're being attacked by Hottentots."

5. At this point, the Gentoo penguins will be gripped by rage heightened with humiliation as they realize this is not déjà vu, it is something that has happened twice already and it is happening again. This will cause them to bristle with indignation, a physical state that Gentoo penguins cannot endure for long periods of time. At this point, use the loudspeaker to say "U-G-L-Y You Ain't Got No Alibi You Ugly Hey Hey You Ugly." Repeat the phrase "You Ugly" while you are sandwiched between a walrus and a sea lion, sloppily thrusting your pelvis back and forth. The penguins will try to smother their collective scream so they may focus on their bristling. This will cause them to simultaneously combust. Hot, angry pieces of penguin will block out the sun and rain upon the urban Indian slum in fat, lazy drops of ferocious blood and cartilage. Beaks and flippers will clog the gutters, causing the sewage to overflow into the street and pipefish and leafy sea dragons to die in such numbers that an albino killer whale will start hurling itself into the sky screaming "Genocide Genocide Mother of God Oh the humanity Oh the horror horror!," thus signaling the beginning of great violence.

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I have read that the word "Gentoo" was once a derogatory term for Hindus. This does not mean that the piece is about instigating violence among Hindus in urban Indian slums that are populated with marine life.