SELECTED PROVERBS

Unfortunately, most of the proverbs reproduced here have been altered from their original form. Some, not most, were allowed to remain as they were originally published in Only Give a Drunk an Even Number, How to Spot a Problem Early, and Your Local Weather. None of the proverbs included were intended to offend, conjure feelings of helplessness, or insinuate anything. We are happy to inform you though that "Situations beyond Our Control" was lost in reprinting and will forever be one with the fishes. The table of contents that was originally optional in hardback and temporarily absent from paperback copies was cleared of any wrongdoing — the index was not so lucky. Page fifty-four had been grossly plagiarized by Time magazine but is now page fifty-six and more comfortably close to the end of the book. We would like to congratulate the dedication for doing its job — even though most of us felt uneasy about the cellblock reference. Colt 45 and other malt-liquor producers were key in the formation of this collection. Royal toilet bowls, thanks. And to the rest of you, refreshments will be served after the burning.

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AN EVENING WITH JAMES

A man without any pants, pork,
Las Vegas and that's just the beginning!
Things to come: suffocation, rashes, and a case
of jaundice. Then the doctor slips. She can't even
type yet, but she's been hairdressing?
Four people are in the booth by the
front door, one has no teeth.
Even the ambulance outside ran out of gas
a year ago — all of that driving.
"I have a lot of severe redness,"
Carl says. "I've lost most of my marbles."
A gurney screeches by with a ballerina on it.