Lorrie Casper: Runner-Up, 2006 Utah Writers' Contest

Last Days

The world will end in four weeks. The Prophet, Aaron Jepson, said so. I am happy that I will soon see my Savior. I am in Mother’s kitchen. The sun streams through the window in floury bands. Every countertop is coated with flour. I am baking bread for my family to take with us to the Sacred Site in the desert. We leave in three weeks and there is much to do. Each family must provide food for ourselves and for the First Born, the family of the Prophet. Mother says we will need at least sixty loaves of bread, so I have a lot to do.
The house is in chaos. The children are running through the kitchen on their way in and out of the yard. They scream and laugh as they run, filling the house with child noise. It is easier to make bread when the children are in Church school, but the Prophet said that there is no more need for school now that the children can sing “Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam” to greet our Savior when he comes. Besides, the women have work to do, so no one has time to teach. I left Church school last year. The Prophet says a girl needs to be able to read scripture, more than that is a waste of time. So, when I first bled, I had to quit school and help Mother with the children so I can learn to be a good mother. I’m eleven now, perhaps I’ll be married soon. My little sisters are trying to help me make the bread, but they are impatient and beat down the dough before it rises enough. The boys are pulling hair and picking fights. If they are not careful Tom will use the rod on them, so I try to hush them. They run out into the sagebrush to play. I hear them shouting and playing “destruction of Babylon.” They sound so happy and excited it almost makes me cry.
I walk to the doorway and watch the boys chase through the sage. I see Eddie leaning against the back shed. He smiles at me and waves. Eddie Samms was my friend in Church school. I helped him with arithmetic and he helped me with scriptures. We share the same birthday. We were playmates. I haven’t seen Eddie since school. He is not my brother, so I am forbidden to talk to him. I don’t wave back, although I want to.
I close the back door and shut the boys out. The little girls are covered with flour and giggling. I go back to kneading the dough. I hope the boys won’t upset Tom with their noise. He is staying with Mother this week, and he punishes us if we are noisy. Tom is our Patriarch. Our Mother, Carol, is his second wife. Only my brothers and sisters from Tom’s first wife, Becky, call him Father. When I was four I called him Father although I had been told not to. I was punished for my rebelliousness by dunk-and-hold in the cleansing waters. I knew Tom wouldn’t drown me, but it was terrifying: his big hands holding me under the cold water in the bathtub. I still feel the panic sometimes when I take a shower in that same tub. I learned to fear the temptation of rebellion and was grateful for the lesson. I am still grateful.
Sarah is at the table running the sewing machine, and she glares at me as I move behind the counter. She is making her wedding apron and wants me to quiet the children. I ask her for help baking bread but she refuses. She is to be wed to Joseph Jepson, the Prophet’s bother, next week. She is fortunate to be accepted into the First Born as a fifth wife. She is sixteen years old, and rebelliously refused to be married for years. She thought she deserved to be a first wife. Now that the End Time has been revealed, she has relented. To be let into the First Born ensures her place at the Prophet’s side when we are taken up to rule in heaven. She will be a queen. Sarah is very lucky.
I tell her to leave if she doesn’t like the noise. It isn’t as though she has to sew in the kitchen. Lisa and Stephanie are poking their fingers into wads of dough and giggling as little girls do. I should send them off but they are having such fun. Sarah tells me that when Jesus comes she will tell him I was rebellious to her and he will exile me to Outer Darkness. Then she flings open the back door and stomps out into the gravel of the yard. The door bangs against the wall and creaks closed.
A cold fear grips my heart. I have no husband to introduce me to Jesus, so he will not talk to me. I would not be able to defend myself against Sarah’s accusations. I drop to my knees and pray that my heart will open to the Lord and my selfish thoughts will be banished from my mind. I pray that Sarah will soften her heart to me and have mercy on me for my rebellion. I pray that the Lord will pity my weakness. I pray, and I cry.

A few days later, I am sewing new clothes for the children. I am in the living room sitting on the couch with bolts of fabric surrounding me. The Prophet has had a new revelation that we must leave behind the things of Babylon and head to the Sacred Site before the end of the week. It isn’t much time but we are working hard. The boys are to have new consecrated temple suits, and the girls need new temple gowns. The other clothing will be burned.
The Prophet has also declared that everyone must be baptized, even the babies, before we leave Babylon. So I am making baptismal gowns for my Patriarch’s six infants and the other seventeen children who are under the usual baptism age. We baptize by immersion, like John the Baptist. Our Patriarch has decreed that my brothers Steven and Jerry will baptize his family. We are honored by this. Jerry and Mother are talking about how he must cover the babies’ mouths and noses when he dunks them in the font. Mother tells Jerry that when a baby is immersed it might fling its arms and legs straight out, so he will need to hold them at least two feet under the water to be sure they have no exposed parts. If someone isn’t completely immersed when baptized, then he has to be baptized again. Jerry nods solemnly but I can see in his face that he’s nervous. He hasn’t held the priesthood very long; he has never had such responsibility before.
I wish we still had a sewing machine. Tom sold Mother’s. He is selling everything that he can before we leave. I have been making clothes for three days. All this hand-sewing is making my fingers sore and cracked. I struggle to keep my blood from staining the garments I am making. Sarah helps me when she can, but she has many chores to do as well. She is preparing for her wedding, and her fiancé often comes courting, taking her away in his car for hours at a time. Mother is busy as well. It is spring and we would normally be planting, but as there will be no world, there will be no harvest this year. Instead of planting, Mother is sorting through the vegetable stores and preserves for edible food. Today Mother plans to fix our loose shingles. She borrowed a ladder from Becky. The rest of the week she and the other women will be repairing and painting their houses, and planting flowers to make yards prettier and houses easier to sell. The Prophet had a revelation that we must sell everything, as there will be nothing to return to anyway.
The men are busy too. The High Priests spend every day praying for guidance and revelation about our move to the Sacred Site in the desert. They meet in the chapel with the Prophet, pray, and plan. The rest of the men who hold lower priesthoods, drive out to the Sacred Site in the mornings and pray to consecrate the land to receive us. They take some of the younger women with them to clear the grounds to make room for the trailers and tents that will house us through the Last Days. Soon they will transport our food stores to the site and stay as guards until the rest of the community arrive.
Tomorrow is Sarah’s wedding to Joseph and she is so nervous she is useless with a needle. Becky has been over most of the morning to help Mother and Sarah get ready. She brought some of her wedding pictures and she keeps showing Sarah her wedding ring. Sarah sits between Mother and Becky on the couch across from me looking at the things Becky brought over. I think Becky just wants to agitate Mother. Sarah won’t be a first wife, so she will have no wedding pictures and she will have a necklace, not ring, just like Mother. Becky enjoys making Mother look small and unimportant. I think she wants to make Sarah unhappy as well. When Becky leaves, I am relieved.

We gather at Joseph’s house before sundown. Sarah is wearing a new blue petit-point frock with her white temple apron. We have woven daisies into her hair. She has pinched her cheeks to a rosy pink. Sarah tells me she’s terrified but she looks radiant. Joseph’s wives and daughters greet us and take us into the living room. The room is clean but not specially decorated. Mary, Joseph’s first wife, has Sarah stand by the mantle, our mother and I arrange ourselves behind her. The boys are lined up along the opposite wall. Mary and her sister-wives, Janice, Carrie and Ellen, give Sarah a kiss on the forehead and hand her a tulip. They welcome Sarah into the family and remind her that as a wife she will be expected to deliver a child per year unto the First Born Family. Mary also tells Sarah as the youngest wife and the newest one, she will be expected to serve her other sister-wives in caring for their children and in all else they choose. Sarah keeps her eyes cast reverently to the floor as Mother instructed. I give her arm a squeeze and feel her trembling.
Tom, our Patriarch and Joseph arrive. They have just been with the Prophet, and received his blessing. The Prophet only attends first weddings. Sarah looks disappointed; she had been speculating all afternoon that he might break with tradition and come anyway. I had told her she was being prideful and it would only hurt her. Now I feel bad that I was right.
Tom presides over the ceremony. He puts his hands on the couple’s heads. Tom turns his face to the heavens and closes his eyes. He prays over the couple and extends the Prophet’s blessing to them. He reminds them the purpose of woman is as a vessel to be worn out in childbirth. He reminds them the man is to preside over his household with a firm hand. He extols the importance of the patriarchy in following God’s plan. He exhorts them to bring many children into the world to serve God. Then he takes his hands from their heads and smiles at them. Then Tom nods to Joseph. Joseph turns to Sarah and puts a silver necklace over her head. Tom pronounces them married, and we say amen. A kiss on the cheek and Sarah is sealed to Joseph forever.
There are smiles, congratulations, and hugs from Joseph’s wives and children. We eat tiny tuna sandwiches and cookies. Everyone is friendly and happy. Carrie teases Sarah that as the world will be ending soon, she won’t get to have any children of her own. Ellen assures Sarah that there are plenty of children already in the family for her to rear, so she need not worry. Sarah doesn’t say anything; she just bites her lower lip and nods.
All of Joseph’s brothers are there except the Prophet. Daniel Jepson is there in his Sheriff’s uniform. He looks at me as he licks frosting off his hand. Mother whispers to me to turn around so he can look me over. Angela, Daniel’s only wife, glares at me and then at Daniel. She spends the rest of the evening waiting on Daniel and keeping his hands full of food.

I pray constantly. As I pack the children’s new clothing, I pray. As I load boxes of food into the trailer, I pray. I wash floors and windows and pray, Oh Lord, grant me goodness and sweetness of spirit, make me obedient and compliant that I might be sealed to a good man who will lead me to the Kingdom of Heaven. Oh God, please don’t leave me alone, unmarried, and locked out of the Kingdom. Please Lord, in these the last days, grant me a husband that I might meet your Son when he comes to us. Oh God, don’t let me be the only one in my family not lifted up. God, I fear the fire, please don’t leave me here to burn with Babylon.
I am no longer a child and I am not a wife. There is no place for me in heaven.

We move into the trailer a few days before we leave for the Gathering. Our Patriarch has sold our mother’s house. He tells us to put only those things that have been consecrated into the trailer and everything else we are to pile in the street and burn. He jokes about the Unclean Souls who have given him money for our home, since the world will end before they move in. My brothers burn the pile of furniture and other belongings. The children dance and clap, they love fires.
The trailer is crowded with all of us in it. I go to Joseph’s house to see Sarah. Sarah is happy to see me but too busy to visit. Joseph has ordered his family out of their houses as well. He has only acquired three trailers, instructing his last two wives, Sarah is one of them, to be servants to the first three. She has no bed; she sleeps on the floor of Carrie’s trailer. She tells me she is so grateful to be among the First Born that sometimes she can’t stop crying. Sarah tells me she hopes we will still be sisters after we are taken up. She says she misses me.

The caravan out to the Sacred Site is great fun. We ride for hours in the trailer. We sing hymns and play games. The sun is bright, the sky is clear, and the air is warm. I feel happy, I feel reverent. I watch the cloud of dust we leave in our wake as we find our path amid the sagebrush and tumbleweed. The children are happy; the whole family is crowded together. Jerry leads us in family prayers when it is not his turn to drive. Even Becky and Mother are smiling and civil to each other. If only all days could be like these last days.
We arrive at the site and the patriarchs arrange the trailers in a circle with the hitches pointing in to the center like rays of the sun. While the men pray for blessings on the families, the women arrange our kitchen tables into one large horseshoe in the middle of the trailer circle. We set up tents among the trailers so the wives will be near their patriarchs. Because there is no river near the site the Prophet decrees that water will be fetched daily and blesses two trucks toward that endeavor. We pile the water bottles, jugs, and tubs into each truck for communal use, ensuring that they will be refilled each day as needed. When the camp is settled, the women begin cooking our first Feast of Thanksgiving.
I find Sarah while we are cooking. She is peeling potatoes and dropping them into a giant stockpot set on a stone next to the fire. I sit beside her on her blanket and help. She tells me she is very happy although I think she looks very tired. She tells me she is learning her place in the family. Mary, Janice, Carrie and Ellen all have their own rules that she has to live by. I brush a few peelings off my lap and into the bowl we use to collect them. I ask her about the bruise on her face. She tells me she was irreverent and now she has learned to respect her sister-wives. She says she is grateful to have learned to be respectful. I want to ask her about Joseph, but I am afraid to. I watch the potatoes bounce around in the boiling water as Sarah and I peel in silence.
We cook a huge meal and I am proud to see the loaves I baked being unwrapped and placed at each table. All the families sit at the tables and hold hands and the Prophet leads us in a prayer of thanksgiving. The stars are beautiful out here in the desert. I wonder which stars the Lord will give to us to begin our own worlds when we are taken up. It is a clear and warm night. The smells of potatoes and chicken fill the air. The Prophet is thanking the Lord for giving us reverence, for giving us humility, and for choosing us to lead by example in heaven while the armies of angels will lay waste to Babylon.
We eat heartily that night, until all are full. We sing hymns. The patriarchs bear their testimonies. The Prophet reveals to us that for four days we will feast, pray, and give thanks, and on the fifth day, Jesus will come to us. He will remain with us for some days. After a time decided by our Lord, Jesus will then return to heaven and take us up with him. Then the destruction of the world will begin.
The sounds of joy and murmured prayers fill the night. I feel such joy welling within my breast that tears run down my cheeks. I pray for faith and obedience. I hope that Jesus will speak to me; I hope I won’t be left behind. I pray to strengthen my faith.

This is Last Day. I am sweeping out the girls’ tent before the sun gets too high. It gets very hot in the late afternoon. Everyone says how happy we are to be here, but everyone seems nervous as well. The Prophet admonishes us to be of good cheer and light hearts, though the world must end we will go on as God or Goddess to our own creation. I ask Mother if the children will be able to become Gods. Mother says that they will continue to learn and grow in the Kingdom of Heaven until they are ready to start their own worlds. I ask her if I can become a Goddess too. She tells me that I am no longer a child, so I will have to atone for my sins first, but in time, I can learn and grow as well. She tells me I must become a wife and mother before I can be whole in the eyes of God. As we are in the last days, she tells me she worries for me, but is sure God will show me the way to his side. I pray for guidance as I work.
I am still sweeping tents when the Prophet calls everyone to council, even the women and girls. He separates out the young unmarried men and has them stand in a group to one side. Then he separates out the marriageable girls and we stand huddled in an excited mob to the other side. The Prophet announces he has had revelation that before the sun rises again our Lord and Savior will be among us. There are joyful cries and hallelujahs from the congregation. I am shaking. The Prophet says that God revealed to him that there were young women among us who would be cast out of the highest kingdom. Most everyone in my group gasps and I bite my lips with fear. The Prophet says he will save us, his daughters, from becoming children of perdition. He points to us and orders us to stand side by side so we might all be seen.
As we spread out the Prophet tells the High Priests and the men who hold the Melchizedek Priesthood to drop to their knees and pray for the Lord’s guidance. That each of them is to choose among the young women an additional wife, and that God will reveal to them which of us should be in which family. I feel a cold fear squeeze my stomach. I look for Sarah in the crowd of married women, and she looks back at me with a pale and horrified face. Mother’s gaze is steely and unsympathetic. The young men fidget about nervously. I wonder why they have been separated from the group.
One by one, the older men rise from their knees and walk toward us. One by one, they take the hand of one of the girls. Each couple then stands to the right hand of the Prophet as he directs them to. I close my eyes and do not watch the men. If one chooses me, that is enough. If a woman has a preference in such a matter, it is better she keep her preference to herself as to say it will change nothing. I pray silently and fervently that I will be chosen as a second wife, as many of these men with many wives are old enough to be my great-grandfather. If I am a second wife, then the man will be younger. I pray with all my heart and strength, and a hand grips mine. I am too afraid to open my eyes as I am led to stand with the others. I open my eyes and look at the dust on my shoes. I look at my hand. The hand holding mine is large and tanned, but soft. It wears a simple gold wedding band and a basic silver watch with a green canvas band. It’s Daniel, the Sheriff, and brother of the Prophet. I look up at his face and he smiles at me. I quickly look to Sarah who beams at me though she is crying. Mother seems bursting with pride, having two of her daughters join the family of the First Born. Angela looks at me with eyes of stone, her jaw set tight with hatred. She must have thought she would have Daniel to herself forever, but now she has me as well. My legs shake. I offer a silent prayer of thanks but I don’t feel thankful.
The Prophet warns one of the High Priests against greed by reminding him that he only has two hands. The Priests chuckle. One of them comments that though he only has two hands, he does have ten fingers. This makes the Prophet chuckle. Soon all the priests but one are standing with a new young bride. Mark, the remaining priest, stands and humbly asks the Prophet to choose for him. The Prophet asks him if he received no guidance from the Lord. Mark says he believes the Lord is guiding him to choose none of these. The Prophet says that if Mark has been guided to choose none then that should be his choice, that it is not for him to second-guess God’s will, only to be a conduit for it. Mark asks the Prophet for a blessing and the blessing is given.
Now there are only four girls left. The Prophet turns to the unmarried boys and says that he has received revelation that many among them have hearts that are hardened against the Lord. They have willfulness and arrogance. They don’t believe the Prophet should have power over them. They are like young stallions and proud of their youth and their speed and their strength. Pride is poison to the soul and will surely lead to their destruction. Several of the boys fall to their faces in the dirt sobbing and begging forgiveness. Others are crying and wailing. Some protest their love for the Lord and for God’s Prophet. A few stand silent, staring at a blank spot in the distance.
Those who have fallen to the ground, the Prophet orders to be taken to a tent to be cleansed in pain for their sins. Those who stood and protested their innocence and love are chosen to perform the cleansing and chastizing. Those who stand quietly, neither protesting their innocence nor declaring their sins, are cast out of the community. The Prophet orders them each to be given a blanket and a small bottle of water and to leave immediately. Many gasps are heard in the crowd, so the Prophet admonishes the boys’ families not to waver in their faith. These are sons of perdition and belong not in the company of the One Mighty and Strong. The boys have no choice; they walk out into the heat of the afternoon. Eddie catches my eye as he passes. He looks lost and alone, and I feel a hard lump in my throat.
The remaining boys are warned that they too are sinners and have but a few hours to repent before Jesus will come. They had best use their time to atone, with blood or flesh, and hope that they are able to ready themselves for the Lord. He turns his back to them and tells them to remain unseen until they feel they are worthy to face their maker. We stare as the sobbing boys, unsure of how to proceed, wander to the tent from which we hear the screams of those currently atoning in the flesh by pain.
I feel my eyes sting and realize that I am crying. I wipe my eyes on the back of my sleeve. The Prophet turns to the remaining four girls who now huddle together looking small and terrified. To them he grants the highest possible honor, they are to join his family directly as wives of the Prophet. He gathers them to him and I think they look as frightened as the boys do. The Prophet orders each man to take the hand of his new wife, and pronounces everyone married, without any of the usual ceremony. Daniel bends down to kiss me but I drop my eyes and he only grazes my cheek with his lips. My face burns and the tears won’t stop. Now when Jesus comes, Daniel will introduce me to him. My Savior will smile upon me, he will welcome me to heaven, and I will not be banished to Outer Darkness. I am so relieved that my knees buckle and I fall to the dust and cry.

Immediately after the big wedding, the families begin praying and singing hymns to welcome our Lord Jesus to us. We pray and sing for hours. The boys who have atoned come out of their tents and are bandaged by their mothers and sisters. They are given clean new shirts and join us in hymn and prayer. Daniel insists that since I am now in his family I will feed the family, so I go to the cooking fires to prepare the midday meal. Angela finds me there. She tells me that I might be Daniel’s wife, but I am nothing to her but a maggot. She tells me I will be her servant and nothing more, and that I had better hope that Jesus lifts me up before Daniel tries to come to my bed. She says she intends to keep her husband to herself no matter what. She has such hatred in her voice that it makes my chest ache to listen to her. I don’t reply. I drop my gaze and keep cooking soup for her and her children.
We eat enough to sustain us, and we pray and sing until the sun goes down. I tried to find an excuse to sit near Sarah but Daniel holds me firmly by his side. The stars are bright and the night is warm. It is such a beautiful world I find myself mourning its end. The Prophet encourages us to sing louder and pray harder. I offer thankful prayers, giving thanks for my family, for my new family, for making me a whole person who can receive the light of the Lord. I thank God for allowing me eternal life. I thank Jesus for his sacrifice to save us all. I pray for hours until I fall asleep. Then Angela pinches me hard and hisses to me to keep praying, which I do.
We pray until the sun comes up. Jesus would be with us by sunrise, the Prophet said so. We prayed loudly, fervently. Some of the women awakened the children who began singing their hymn to welcome the Lord. As the sun rises with bright blue shards of light, a chorus of “Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam” rises in tiny voices from children’s bodies, and it is such a beautiful morning, I am again crying with joy for being alive, and among the chosen.

Jesus didn’t come that morning. We prayed until we crawled to our tents and trailers to escape the noon sun. We were disappointed but the Prophet told us to be of good cheer, Jesus was coming and would do so soon, but it was not for us to choose the time, it was the Lord’s prerogative. Therefore, we persevered in our prayers and our faith for three more days. When the food ran out, we fasted while we prayed. No one went for water, no one dared. The Prophet decreed that we had to pray and prove our faith so that the way would be prepared for Jesus to come to us.
This morning, the Prophet arose and walked away. Now he is returned. He calls the congregation to council. We sit in our family groups in front of our patriarch’s trailers. Angela sits next to Daniel and glares at me. I sit a few feet away, keeping the children between us. The Prophet tells us that he has received revelation that the Lord is not coming. We all hold our breath and look around the circle at each other. Mother looks haggard, but her jaw is set and firm. The children surrounding her are crying and dusty. Lisa pushes her little fist into her mouth like she does, and I ache to hug her. Over at Joseph’s trailer, Sarah looks lost. She is holding a baby, Mary’s youngest, I think. Sarah looks horribly sad. She sobs so deeply that her chest and shoulders heave with the effort. I look around the circle, the faces, young and old, are so sad, so defeated. I am trembling. I push my fingers into the dirt to stop my swaying. I am dizzy. I wipe my nose on the back of my hand and try not to cry.
The Prophet looks around the circle, and I drop my eyes to avoid his gaze. He says that as our Prophet, he did all he could to prepare us for the Lord but we are not ready. Our faith is lacking. Our sins are too great. There are those among us who do not believe fervently enough. Our Prophet says that he thought he had purged the unbelievers the Last Day, but clearly there are still doubters among us. He went out into the desert to pray for guidance, to ask God to tell him which among us are sinners, which among us must be cast out that Jesus might come to us. I feel a hole opening in my stomach, opening wider and wider. I grind my fingers into the dirt.
The Prophet walks around the circle and I hear gasps and moans around me, but I do not look up, I dare not look up. Oh God, I dare not look up. The Prophet tells us that his revelation was that those among us who are too weak in our faith know it, and that is our punishment. There are only a very few of us who are keeping the rest from being taken up, and we who are guilty, know it. The Prophet says we will return to our old life, and we will try to better cleanse our souls, and maybe in a few years, the Lord will pity us and will then reveal himself to us. Maybe if we believe with all our might, we might someday soon be taken up to rule in heaven with our Lord, but that day wouldn’t be today.
The Prophet says that those who have weak faith have kept Jesus from the rest of us.
He orders us to prepare to leave before nightfall.
I help Angela pack her children and belongings into her trailer. I try to go find Sarah or Mother but Angela tells me it is my duty to follow her orders now. I feel so empty inside that I can’t stop crying. I pray to God to help me be stronger in my faith. I pray to God to forgive me, for I know it is my weakness that has ruined everything. I am rebellious and I am willful. I should never have prayed to be married to a younger man; I should never have been so selfish as to want to choose for myself. It is my pride, my wickedness, which has doomed my family. The First Born are tainted by my presence. The one who is impure before God is me. It is me, Lord, it is me. I pray for strength, I pray for forgiveness. I pray for death.