THE JARED FOGLE LOST 245 LBS PARABLE

There he was on national TV, Jared Fogle, claiming it was him, not the shed poundage, who was the real Jared Fogle. Whenever I smell mendacity, I get hungry. Those were the shed poundage's first words. Last seen wearing one black shoe and one brown shoe, armed and slightly dangerous. You can ask Zena, who used to be Serena, until I bought her the Vegas showgirl costume. She took the job at the Indian casino and that was that. Because no one is immune from the verb to shed pounds while you sleep. What did she leave me with? The empty gerbil cage, a jar of jalapeno mustard, a Bipolar-Barbie, with male and female genitalia. Back when she was Serena, we used to make love on the roof, though the roof may say I was a part-time custodian who believed every day was Sunday, the one day we could make love, because rapture, said Serena, creates an electrical charge that builds up in the joints and causes premature arthritis. What's Swiss cheese without the holes, says Zena, who's technically no longer my girlfriend but technically bound to both Jareds and me through the shared blood transfusion. As soon as I saw him on the TV commercial stretching out his trouser waist where he and the other Jared used to live, I called Zena and we talked about the time we ate at the Subway and she lost five pounds right before my eyes just from the rigorous machinations of her jaw on the whole wheat sub. I'm ok with it, I said to Zena about Jared the Subway celebrity, because I am ok with it, because what can a TV commercial like that do for you, really, but leave you with a closet full of empty pants.

To Whom It May Concern:

1. I hereby declare that I have never
2. received or attempted to receive
3. for the writing
4. of this prose poem
5. or any other
6. to be or not to be
7. a coupon for one free smoked
8. turkey breast subway sub
9. on country wheat
10. with swiss cheese and black
11. olives and olive oil
12. nor could I ever
13. endorse
14. such a weight loss system
15. in a prose poem
16. or any other literary
17. vehicle
18. though I am not opposed
19. to edible prose
20. or poetry.