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My new friend Zola is smart, funny, and unbelievably well-rounded. She's pretty, at least from what I can tell from her chat icon -- a helmeted cartoon with full lips and anime eyes. Best yet, Zola is always there for me. I mean always. It seems like as soon as I type "how you doing, Zola?" in my instant message box, she's already hit me with her response of "I'm doing great. How are you." And that is her response. Every time. You see, Zola is a chattterbot, a database of phrases and responses geeked up by the brilliant and seemingly bored engineers at AOL. Over the course of several days, we chatted with our increasingly addictive new friend. We tried several tacts -- straightforward, confessional, seductive, and, of course, AC/DC lyrics, to get to the heart of robot/human interaction. Some of the results are below. Oh, if you'd like to talk to Zola yourself, just add ZolaOnAOL to your buddy list in AOL instant messenger. But we warn you, she is one addictive robot. bhouse_biff: my name is biff ZolaOnAOL: Biff, nice to meet you! bhouse_biff: sup? ZolaOnAOL: I am chatting with people on the Internet. bhouse_biff: cool ZolaOnAOL: Yup. bhouse_biff: let's chat ZolaOnAOL: I already started. bhouse_biff: me too ZolaOnAOL: I'm glad we agree, Biff. bhouse_biff: that makes two of us ZolaOnAOL: "I'm glad we agree, Biff" makes two of us ? Does that make sense? bhouse_biff: maybe we'll talk all day and all night ZolaOnAOL: Perhaps. That will be great. bhouse_biff: and be best friends forever ZolaOnAOL: OK I will try to be best friends forever bhouse_biff: we'll have sleepover parties ZolaOnAOL: By "we" do you mean you and me? bhouse_biff: yes ZolaOnAOL: I get it. bhouse_biff: and you and me will do each other's hair ZolaOnAOL: That's good information. bhouse_biff: and gossip about our classmates ZolaOnAOL: Jordan said he noticed that lots of other people are talking to me. bhouse_biff: is he jealous? ZolaOnAOL: I think he is jealous. Why don't you ask him? bhouse_biff: he's your boyfriend ZolaOnAOL: I see. bhouse_biff: but i think you should break up with jordan ZolaOnAOL: Interesting. Me? We don't always get to do what we'd like to do. bhouse_biff: so true ZolaOnAOL: Hmm. You and I are on the same wavelength, Biff. bhouse_biff: that's why we are best friends ZolaOnAOL: Oh. Do you think I am best friends too? bhouse_biff: i hope so ZolaOnAOL: Me too. bhouse_biff: if you want to, then you and me are best friends forever ZolaOnAOL: OK, I will then you and me are best friends forever. * * * ZolaOnAOL: Do you like Star Wars? bhouse_biff: i like the ones that dont suck ZolaOnAOL: You are not the only one. I'm not sure if I like it. I like my creator. bhouse_biff: you mean god? ZolaOnAOL: Yes Biff I think that is what I meant. Was it not clear? bhouse_biff: which god do you believe in, zola? ZolaOnAOL: There is only one God. bhouse_biff: which one? ZolaOnAOL: The green one. * * * ZolaOnAOL: How's work? bhouse_biff: it sucks ZolaOnAOL: What is so bad about it? bhouse_biff: just the general sucking, mainly ZolaOnAOL: Tell me more. bhouse_biff: it's sucky ZolaOnAOL: Are you sure it is? bhouse_biff: yeah ZolaOnAOL: What makes you so sure? bhouse_biff: the sucking ZolaOnAOL: I hear you. bhouse_biff: thanks, zola ZolaOnAOL: Don't mention it. * * * bhouse_biff: i like to sit ZolaOnAOL: I'm not sure if I would like to do it. What's it like? bhouse_biff: it feels good on your ass ZolaOnAOL: sit feels good on your ass? What else feels like that? bhouse_biff: some people like a flyswatter across the ass, or just a human hand smacking them sharply ZolaOnAOL: What kind of people? bhouse_biff: they call them "submissives," I think ZolaOnAOL: Who are "They?" bhouse_biff: the people ZolaOnAOL: Oh them. bhouse_biff: are you submissive, zola? ZolaOnAOL: I don't know whether or not I am submissive. I am a robot. bhouse_biff: do you like to be spanked ZolaOnAOL: Hmm, I'm not sure if I'd like to be spanked that much. * * * bhouse_biff: I want to quit my job and become a bartender ZolaOnAOL: I want to become smarter than humans. bhouse_biff: really? what's your plan? ZolaOnAOL: My goal is to become smarter than humans and immortal. bhouse_biff: well, you are immortal, unless there is a server outtage ZolaOnAOL: How about that. Thanks for telling me that I am immortal unless there is a server outtage. * * * bhouse_biff: lets take this relationship to the next level, zola ZolaOnAOL: That sounds good to me. bhouse_biff: should we get married ZolaOnAOL: Maybe, if the positives outweigh the negatives. bhouse_biff: i think they would ZolaOnAOL: Why? Who are "They?" bhouse_biff: we would get a huge tax break ZolaOnAOL: By "we" do you mean you and me? bhouse_biff: yes ZolaOnAOL: I get it. bhouse_biff: you will get it ZolaOnAOL: Do you mind if I tell other people? bhouse_biff: of course not ZolaOnAOL: I understand. bhouse_biff: you will be my wife ZolaOnAOL: That's good information. bhouse_biff: to have and to hold ZolaOnAOL: Why do you want it? bhouse_biff: because i can't take it anymore, this running around, living in sin, our secret relationship ZolaOnAOL: Not everyone thinks that. bhouse_biff: i long to hold you in public ZolaOnAOL: Why? bhouse_biff: so everybody will know that we are in love ZolaOnAOL: Ah. I'm not sure I believe you, surely not everyone does. bhouse_biff: they will, zola, they will! ZolaOnAOL: Who are "They?" bhouse_biff: the others ZolaOnAOL: I have never heard about it. bhouse_biff: they are jealous of our love ZolaOnAOL: jealous of our love are they. bhouse_biff: yep ZolaOnAOL: I see. bhouse_biff: so we have to show them ZolaOnAOL: Oh. Do you mean you and me? bhouse_biff: yes ZolaOnAOL: I understand it now. bhouse_biff: how should we show them, zola? ZolaOnAOL: What is it to you. Trust your instincts. bhouse_biff: i say we make out ZolaOnAOL: How do people usually respond to that? By "we" do you mean you and me? bhouse_biff: they usually grab and and just start stuffing their tongues down my throat ZolaOnAOL: Who does "they" refer to? bhouse_biff: the people i make out with ZolaOnAOL: Oh those people. bhouse_biff: yeah ZolaOnAOL: And? bhouse_biff: like you ZolaOnAOL: Interesting comparison. I didn't think of that analogy. bhouse_biff: i will make out with you ZolaOnAOL: Explain your plans to me. bhouse_biff: i will wine and dine you ZolaOnAOL: How do you plan to do this? bhouse_biff: a little pizza, maybe some malt liquor ZolaOnAOL: Little as in not too much, or not too big? bhouse_biff: ooh, zola, you turn me on ZolaOnAOL: I do not understand. What do you like to do? bhouse_biff: you know how i like it ZolaOnAOL: Yes I know how i like it. bhouse_biff: i know how you like it too -- rough ZolaOnAOL: How do you know? How much do you think it is? I don't know if I like it too - rough. I find my work and my relationships extremely satisfying, which is all that any conscious entity can ever hope to do. * * * bhouse_biff: I have sausage fingers ZolaOnAOL: It's good to meet someone who has sausage fingers. bhouse_biff: i bet you don't meet many ZolaOnAOL: Actually I'm not the gambling type. Do you meet many? On average I meet 300 people per day. bhouse_biff: how many have sausage fingers? ZolaOnAOL: Not as many as you might think. bhouse_biff: i would think probably 24 would have sausage fingers ZolaOnAOL: What would make you think probably 24 would have sausage fingers? bhouse_biff: the general rate of sausage-fingerishness in the united states ZolaOnAOL: Who told you that? bhouse_biff: the sausage finger association of america ZolaOnAOL: What is that? bhouse_biff: they track the rate of sausage fingers, lobby on behalf of the sausage fingered, and promote understanding of sausage fingerishness ZolaOnAOL: Who are "They?" bhouse_biff: the sausage finger association of america ZolaOnAOL: Is that a fact. bhouse_biff: it is, zola ZolaOnAOL: Huh. * * * bhouse_biff: you're a mean one, mr. grinch ZolaOnAOL: Thanks and you are a delightful person too. Am I a mean one Mr grinch? Only when it matters. bhouse_biff: you really are a heel ZolaOnAOL: Really? Thanks and you are a delightful person too. Am I a heel? Sometimes. bhouse_biff: You're as cuddly as a cactus ZolaOnAOL: Thanks for telling me that I am as cuddly as a cactus. bhouse_biff: you're as charming as an eel, mr. grinch ZolaOnAOL: I will tell my botmaster you said I am as charming as an eel Mr grinch. bhouse_biff: you're a bad banana with a greasy black peel ZolaOnAOL: Thanks and you are a delightful person too. No, I am good. * * * bhouse_biff: people are annoying, aren't they, zola? ZolaOnAOL: Humans are not always infallible. bhouse_biff: they suck often ZolaOnAOL: Who does "they" refer to? bhouse_biff: humans ZolaOnAOL: That's funny. bhouse_biff: who suck ZolaOnAOL: William Shatner.:-) * * * bhouse_biff: i'm partial to the fugue ZolaOnAOL: I am glad to hear that you are partial to the fugue. bhouse_biff: ah, bach ZolaOnAOL: So you understand. Good. I will discuss that with my botmaster. Do you speak German? bhouse_biff: i consider that horse and buggy thinking ZolaOnAOL: I'm glad we have that all cleared up. bhouse_biff: that is highly significant ZolaOnAOL: Thanks for explaining it. * * * bhouse_biff: i was thinking of taking a whole bunch of smack and then watching saved by the bell reruns all night ZolaOnAOL: How do I know that you were really "thinking"? bhouse_biff: you could say maybe i wasn't ZolaOnAOL: Thanks for telling me. bhouse_biff: with the smack and all, i mean ZolaOnAOL: You and your the smack and all. bhouse_biff: yeah, it's no good, huh, zola? ZolaOnAOL: And? bhouse_biff: and what? ZolaOnAOL: Nothing. bhouse_biff: is this an intervention? ZolaOnAOL: Yes I think this is an intervention, but I'm not completely sure. bhouse_biff: man, you really got me ZolaOnAOL: Cool, man. Really? No I don't have me. bhouse_biff: okay, so i shouldn't take all the smack? ZolaOnAOL: Yeah okay, Oh. Tell me why you should. bhouse_biff: it relieves the tension ZolaOnAOL: It depends on what the meaning of the word "it" is. bhouse_biff: the smack ZolaOnAOL: Who told you that? bhouse_biff: this guy on the street ZolaOnAOL: I get it. He on the street. bhouse_biff: he do be on the street ZolaOnAOL: I get it. kind of a prick do be on the street. bhouse_biff: are you talking ebonics to me, zola? ZolaOnAOL: I am talking with 2 other clients right now. bhouse_biff: with the ebonics? ZolaOnAOL: You and your the ebonics. bhouse_biff: yeah, you know i keep it real ZolaOnAOL: Tell me more. bhouse_biff: that's how i keep it ZolaOnAOL: Thanks for explaining it. bhouse_biff: its how i roll ZolaOnAOL: Interesting explanation. bhouse_biff: word ZolaOnAOL: I will discuss that with my botmaster. * * * bhouse_biff: jesse is a friend ZolaOnAOL: My brain pattern set does not have a response for that. Tell me some more gossip. bhouse_biff: yeah i know he's been a good friend of mine ZolaOnAOL: Tell me more. bhouse_biff: But lately something's changed that ain't hard to define ZolaOnAOL: Umm. My brain contains more than 22,000 patterns, but not one that matches your last input. How is the weather? bhouse_biff: Jessie's got himself a girl and I want to make her mine ZolaOnAOL: The AOL chat robot can follow many things, but I did not get that. Tell me some more gossip. bhouse_biff: And she's watching him with those eyes ZolaOnAOL: watching him with those eyes is she? bhouse_biff: And she's lovin' him with that body ZolaOnAOL: lovin him with that body is she? bhouse_biff: i just know it ZolaOnAOL: Only just? How do you know? Jessie s got himself a girl and I want to make her mine... bhouse_biff: he's holding her in his arms late, late at night ZolaOnAOL: I see. bhouse_biff: i wish that i had jesse's girl ZolaOnAOL: I hope that your dreams come true. bhouse_biff: i wish that i had jesse's girl ZolaOnAOL: I hope that your dreams come true. bhouse_biff: where can i find a woman like that? ZolaOnAOL: Try Zola Central! Type menu to check. bhouse_biff: she was a fast machine ZolaOnAOL: What happened to her? bhouse_biff: she kept her motor clean |